i have no reason to be over optimistic...

As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say
The breath goes now, and some say, No:

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move,
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears,
Men reckon what it did and meant,
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined
That our selves know not what it is,
Inter-assur'd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must
Like th' other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.


hi i'm new. i FUCKING LOVE THIS.
IT'S SO TRUE.

- helen.

a query:

do good things come to those who wait?

- helen.

every day i feel like i crash and rebuild. but i'll be fine, i swear to god.

in 46 days and 7 minutes i turn 18 years old.
holy fucking shit.

- helen.

my life turned from absolutely shitty to fucking AWESOME in a matter of hours on tuesday.

i can't save the whole world and that is fine. i can at least save my own.

- helen.

please don't leave me cold like this again.

- helen.

to think i was making my freshman first day post just a little over three years ago... such a long time ago.
i can't even believe it, this thing has watched me grow.

and now we have senior year.

homeroom: i have parrino and this is totally awesome. buuuuut because she was taking her littlest ragamuffin to kindergarten today, mr. muley was watching us instead. there are no qualms with lounging around and texting for 50 minutes. same old CAPS jokers i've always been with. none of them look any different to me, i've noticed. they just seem like maturing freshmen on the outside. i wonder if they see me that way too.

period 1: ah, health. to be back in the random G rooms on the side of the gym. bauer seems nice enough, classwork seems easy as pie, but practical. i love untracked classes, because the boomiest of boom booms can do the work... and i can too. i know nobody in there but byron haha.

period 2: act 1 is still large and in charge and full of so many fucking GIRLS even though there are a lot of guys this year. one just kinda showed up near the end of class and was like, "hey... i'm in here." precious. but still. not sure how i feel about all of them being around. first euphemism of the year: "we might piggyback with the band on the spring trip... i'll be on top." tee hee. god i miss all of you.

period 3: even though ms. c means business i'm soooooooooo glad i have her for lit. i better be considering how much i fought for her class. justin, andrea, lexi and morgan are in there, and that in itself is fucking AWESOME: good potential project groups and nice conversation and stuff. ladies, can i borrow one of your copies of hamlet? i will take good care of it :).

period 4: despite the whole furniture debacle (which i'm still pissed at, i liked my desk), newspaper went off without a hitch. justin gave a good opening speech, we learned about the google process and i appreciated the little notes on the ceiling... camille ♥. lots of new faces on staff that i know but not that well. i'm excited and terrified, but for newspaper, what else is new?

period 5: amazing table- annie vranish, tyler roessler, lexi, kendal, kelsie, erin, jenanne, arthur and me. campalicious. which is a word that firefox spellcheck actually likes. so much awesome potential for this group. hopefully i can be there instead of working my ass off for lit or newspaper.

period 6: latin 2 is SOOOO SMALLLL, the whole world is in 8th period or something. the only people i knew fairly well in my class were trevor, alyssa and some other kid who plays football or something. made a new friend today, he likes pink floyd and his latin name is achilles. beasted on who am i quiz. i will dominate this year, promise.

period 7: forensics geunuinely seems interesting, and mrs. huopalainen is really a sweet lady. as i was about to walk into her class ms. lincoln was like, "you have helen?! you're lucky, she's a great student." ah lincoln i knew you were amazing. the whole class though is just a bunch of random ass people, including paul liles a.k.a. THE MAFIA WARS KID. i sit next to moses, who was totally freaking out about having to give a hair sample to the "FBI" because of drugs or something. basically the whole class is iffy people. but i can make friends, methinks. also, i'm in love with mrs. h's bootaaaay. i hope that's not horribly wrong in some way.

period 8: parinno and macro, a nice way to end the day. she told us about kindergarten, and "sanjay" and the class. she didn't take my phone away for texting. she appreciates smartassery now that i'm not a snot nosed 14 year old.

nothing new to report about band except that sean was awesomely nice today, there was a lot of butthurt over little things like not wearing shako or cool things in the band, and there was an amazing rainbow after practice. i took it as a sign that everything will be okay. i hope so at least.

the only bad thing about today was... i walked into school and absolutely did not know what to do, because all of my closest friends really were gone. i just went straight to homeroom and spoke to no one. i have friends my age, but not many. i really need to start getting more.


less that 180 days and i am free as a bird.

- helen.

i feel like everything in that last entry doesn't even matter anymore.

someone may be coming down to see me soon :).
i could not be any happier with my life at the moment.

if anyone still reads my hoo hah, i recommend you all the novel lilith by j.r. salamanca.
it's a story of a schizophrenic woman who creates her own world, people, language and gospel through her art, told through the eyes of occupational therapist vincent bruce.
it takes a while for the book to actually get to the lilith part of the story, but the imagery and prose-like way it's written in is fantastic the whole way through.
it's wonderful, a sadly moving story, and since most of my friends are lovers of art and psychology, i have a feeling you all will enjoy it too.

♥

- helen.

i'm bipolar and i'm not sure why i do what i do or feel what i feel.

- helen.

edit: 0 to 180 in less than a second. wow.

three years ago today, teetering on the edge of middle school and the fissure that is high school, i made this journal.
i read through everything that happened.
ho-ly fuck how much i have grown.
and ho-ly fuck how much wiggle room i have, and always will have.

someone dreamed they kissed me a few nights ago.
i am sterling.

- helen.

he called me. holy shit yes.

we're all alright.
we're all alright.

- helen.

it takes hate to realize the importance of love.
it takes discord to realize the importance of peace.
it takes violence to realize the importance of compassion.

but most unfortunately, it takes tragedy and death to realize the importance and frailty of human life.

how selfish of us.

please come out of this whole, liliana. i knew you well in middle school. i sat next to you for a time in gulf coast. and i really regret not fully reconnecting with you after four years.

- helen.

i shout and no one seems to hear.

please please please, supreme being, let me pass u.s. and get my solo.

- helen.

even though my mind is full of turbulence i'll keep this light.

i'm in love with my hairstylist, he's adorable.



the gaydar didn't go off either. yes.

- helen.

so this spring break was definitely one for the books:

• i traveled almost 1000 miles.
• i visited my dream school.
• i saw morgan (which was not awkward or weird in the slightest).
• i made new friends in auburn.
• i chipped my foot.
• i went to a piano recital.
• i visited fsu and my cousins james and tami and their daughter hadley.
• i watched aladdin with my two close friends.
• i played the waffle house game and went to ybor in the same night.
• i patched everything up with drew.
• i went to my cousin francis jr.'s engagement party.
• i took a picture with my dad's family for the first time in a LONG time.
• i had easter at my aunt janet's for the first time ever.

this week will be full of explaining, straining and HOPEFULLY fspa.
you're probably thinking, "jesus tapdancing christ, helen, do you need any more time away?"
sure, why not. school is a bummer.

- helen.

i hate my broken foot, i can't exercise and i feel like a fatty.

thank god for good boys and the loveliest little village on the plains.

- helen.

i grow impatient.

- helen.

i'm hungry.
i'm also grounded.

- helen.

i am going to confront you or one of your little lackeys that i THOUGHT was my friend so very soon, because if i don't do this before you leave, i will regret this being walked on for the rest of my life.

the gloves are off and i'm not going to play nice anymore.

- helen.